I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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