bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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