I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
