Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
where are my eyebrows?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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