My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Your cock deserves a montage
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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