I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
