the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My ass is underappreciated
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
