I just saw a hot homeless man
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
