I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
