I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
me + whiskey = a bad person
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
