Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My feet surprised me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
