every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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