onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
