Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
