yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
