I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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