just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
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Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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