I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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