I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm eating all of the evidence.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
