Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
