My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
