i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
