I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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