OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
this hospital has no fireball
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
