the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
