so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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