Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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