I wish I could teleport
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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