My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
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I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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