What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
