More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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