How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
