After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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