Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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