I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
