Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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