ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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