My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
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