my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
