so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
