So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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