I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
