the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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