Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
