Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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