Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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