Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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