i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
