no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
