he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
