she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.