i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
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Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something