Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.