i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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