I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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