I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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