I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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