that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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