About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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