I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
