I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
