His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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