How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
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I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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