Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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