Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
