for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
